Anxiety is my best friend (and worst enemy).

First, I'll explain how it's my best friend -- having anxiety, for me, is like having an extra cautious, anxious guard over you, that can serve almost like a filter -- it keeps you from jumping into a lot of messes (so soon) because you're more cautious and guarded in your approach to whatever is before you .. so, in that sense, it's saved me from a lot of troubles, complications, bad situations.. .... but, on the other hand, how good can that be if it literally squeezes the life out of you as well? It's all in my body, stuck, i feel it in the pit of my stomach, my mind, my nervous system.. it's like a squeeze that feels more like a suffocation than a hug. As a kid, my mother was able to move us from our hometown (which was like moving from a fish tank to a sea), i hated the decision at first, because it was all i knew -- but, i realized moving allowed me to grow like i wouldn't have been able to do, if we never moved. more opportunities, chances, things to do, be. it was just better, all the way around, and i grew to appreciate it, and her. As a young man, i moved back to my hometown, to finish high school, and..... anxiety.. i'm not used to the people around here, it's much much slower, i can't connect with the people so easily because most live, think, and operate like a glass ceiling was just right above their heads, and i couldn't quite relate. So.. after a couple of failed barbershop attempts, i just said i'll start cutting my own hair, at home, to which i did. I would use my father's clippers, not knowing what i'm doing, i would cut my scalp completely bald, in the wrong direction, scratching my head up, bleeding, super sharp clippers. I would go around and go completely bald, because that was the easiest way for me to cut my hair and assure it to be 'even'... that's a no-no for curly-coiled hair. Folliculitis. I infected my scalp, the hairs would begin to grow under the skin, .. it was a disaster. my anxiety, and not being able to connect had me make a wrong turn and i was paying the consequences for it. The flare ups would be bad, extremely. Total embarassment to walk around and live life. This went on for years. Dermatologist would fling me around here and there, slap me a prescription and nothing. It got super severe. And of course, this squeezes the life out of you. Sure, you can hide it with a hat, sometimes, but not always, employment. No hats = everyday embarassment. Every single day. A couple of years ago, panicked, tired of dealing with it, i had the bright idea to go see a dermatologist, absolutely no insurance. i had to pay $50 bucks just to be seen, each time. i only saw him 3 times, but each time hurt. in more ways than one. financially and literally. A, looking back, seemed like a rather hole in the wall derm spot (but, desperate times, i suppose desperate measures, right?), he suggested laser hair removal, charged me $250, per session. and because he was the expert, i listened. took all of 10-15 mins, each session. then i owed $250. careless. no prep. no warning. literally put the laser to my scalp, zapped all over, my scalp and skin would have literal burn marks on it, i could SMELL my flesh each time i went. but.. he's the expert. i ended up going 3 times total... not knowing, this guy is DESTROYIN' my scalp. And I mean destroying. 3 years later. the texture of my head and scalp it noticeable different. shiny. discoloration. destroyed. i'm the 'EWW', and 'yuck' man all around town. I see people's darkness and ignorance every single day, every single where (i go). even just stepping on my porch, and someone riding by or walking bye is matched with ewws, and yucks. I wore a durag, to hide my scalp and the back of my neck/line, where he zapped me and i have discoloration, and texture issues back there -- my confidence was okay. i would see people eww, and yuck, and scratch at their heads, and all this other stuff, and i didn't get it.. for a long time.. the problem is, you could see right through it; and i learned this because i was in the car, with my mother, riding passenger side, and my aunt just so happen to be in the other lane, in a higher truck, and i'm happy to see her, i'm talking to her, she's talking to me, smiling, and her face let's out this absolute yuck face, at my scalp/head area, and that's when i learned/found out, it's see through. mass damage - because, i would walk around everywhere, confident, to the best that i could be, going everywhere, and i hadn't known, i'd been exposing myself, scalp like that. So... now my anxiety is WAYYYY worse. I start wearing those biker caps, slighty thicker, can still see through, and now my neckline/scars are exposed -- so, sure, the top is hidden, but when i'm out people scratch at the back of their heads and necks, everywhere. I could, or would like to wear a baseball cap, backwards, but i can't do a fitted because of the gap in the front; my scalp is CLEARLY damaged and you can see that, through the hole. if i turn it around, the other way, you can see the huge marks, discoloration from the back, and it just looks sightly, i know, i understand. Woman, men, kids; everywhere i go or show my face, i'm mocked, shunned, disregarded, laughed and giggled at -- i'm literally my towns laughing stock, i don't get fair chances, i get to see the dark, cruel side of people every day. i'm literally peoples ego booster, for being scared in the way i am. i'm robbed of chances, respect. courtesy. all of this, and it truly breaks my heart -- because, i feel (and know), that i'm way more than this permanant markings that this doctor did to me. .. I even missed my grandmothers funeral, this past July, because of the shame and embarrassment i have. too many people. too many faces. too many eyes. too many that can judge me if i decided to show up and mourn.